3 Years Gone

It will be three years tomorrow since my mother passed. There’s not a day that goes by I don’t think of her. I miss her laugh so much. I miss looking at catalogues with her. I miss asking her advice on thorny issues, she had a great radar about people and what the right thing to do was, always. I miss calling her about recipes. I miss sharing news about the girls. I can’t tell you how many times my impulse has been to pick up the phone when something great’s happened with one of them and… I don’t. She’s not there.

I miss going out to lunch with her. The first few months after her death I couldn’t go to lunch alone without crying. I felt like such an idiot. For instance, I was coming down from a doctor’s appointment in Boston just a short time after she passed and I stopped at Chateau in Braintree to get take out for dinner for the family that night. So I sat in the bar to have a salad to wait for the order and I started crying. The tears just stung my eyes and I couldn’t stop it. It happened a handful of times after that too. I’d just look across at the empty seat and remember how many times she’d be there and it just tore me up. Same thing with clothes shopping. We’d stop by Nordstrom and just going through a rack and she’s say something awful or I’d say something awful and we’d start laughing and I’d remember us doing that and I stood there a couple of times like an idiot just crying. I didn’t make a spectacle of myself or anything. But I couldn’t stop it. The tears just stung my eyes and I felt gut-punched at the thought I’d never see her again and they just came. I haven’t been able to go to lunch or go through a rack of clothes for three years without thinking of her. At least I’m not crying like an idiot anymore.

It took me until summer of the year she died to finally take her name off my iPhone. I remember where & when I did it like I remember where I was on 9/11 for crying out loud. I was in the parking lot at Stop & Shop in Pembroke when I finally decided it was time. I sat there in my car crying my eyes out. It felt awful. Just… erasing her like that.

I just miss her. ❤💔❤